took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
