I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
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We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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