I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Randomize
