Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
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