You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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