you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Randomize
