I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
