I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
They have beer where we have blood.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Randomize
