He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
