I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Holy sore nipples Batman
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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