Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Randomize
