Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
