Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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