he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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