The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
We left an ass print on the piano.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
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i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
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