I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Randomize
