I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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