'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
