You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
