Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
