I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
