he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
