Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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