just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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