Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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