Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
