Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
