Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
