When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
