You made me cry and you don't even care
I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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