just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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