it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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