Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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