Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
