There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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