When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
