So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
