someone get that fucking seahorse.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Exactly. Stay back and unsubscribe from her
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
