I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
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