Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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