Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
how does that bad decision feel?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
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