dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
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