I cannot find my penis.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I love you. Go after that dick
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
