Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
