You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
