my room smells like sperm. sweet.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
