Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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