Hey man sorry I got all grabby
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
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