my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
