Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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