I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
