a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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