i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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