I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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