if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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